Teen Challenge in a Blended Family
A recent survey produced this question. My answer is below and the general concept can be applied to parenting teens through tough issues — start by simply putting yourself in their shoes:
What is the best way to handle a situation where 2 teens have been attracted to one another since before our relationship brought them into the same house... the jealousies of one another, the drama and games they play, their closeness and distance from one another, and how to help them and support them in their decisions with relationships and friendships as a result of their closeness and desire for a relationship, which they have been keeping at bay?
If I understand this correctly, these two children have been attracted to each other since prior to the time when you and your spouse were married. If I don’t understand the question correctly, then my entire response will not apply.
I have to say first of all, that bringing two teenagers together in the same household is a challenge when they are NOT attracted to each other, so you have your work cut out for you.
My first question to you is this: What would you have done if your parent put you in the same home with your teenage love? I want you to go all the way back to the strongest attraction you had prior to age 20. I want you to remember what it was like to be together and what it was like to have to be apart. I want you and your spouse to sit down and experience this vividly and discuss this together (without the kids).
Then I want you to discuss how you think the kids feeeeeeeeellll – how being stepsiblings now complicates these feelings of attraction and makes something that may have been a normal teenage attraction into something that now feels somehow inappropriate.
Next, I would like you to remember back to when you were a teen and someone told you that you couldn’t have something. Did you want it more? Or less? How did that make you feel?
Now, I’m leading a little here, but I want you and your spouse to really feel the attraction and the power of wanting something that you really can’t have. And I want you to remember some of the decisions that you made as a teenager that maybe weren’t quite perfect. I want you to remember very specific examples of times that you considered doing something that you would NEVER want your teenager to do.
Ok, enough with the set-up. If you weren’t convinced, you should be now. You have a challenge here. The challenge is in understanding what those kids are going through and then letting them know just how completely you understand. The reason you need to put yourself all the way back into your teenage shoes is because the only way your kids will believe that you understand them, is if YOU REALLY DO.
And right now, those two kids need you to understand. If they KNOW you both understand, it will make everything a whole lot easier for them.
If on the other hand, you do not understand, refuse to understand, or are afraid of communicating that you really do understand, they will feel as though they have no one to talk to - except each other. And right now, they need YOU.
Spend a couple of days feeling just how it would be to be them - and then sit down with them and have a nice, long, kind, loving discussion over a bowl of soup, a cup of hot tea or while laying on lawn chairs in the backyard.
Don’t get in their face. Don’t force them to talk about it. Don’t make them have eye contact with you - because this stuff is uncomfortable. Tell them you know that you made it difficult for them but that you are willing to work through this with them. Explain how you’ve taken the time to really consider what they might be going through. And promise them that no matter what happens, you will try to understand.
Build the trust so they will come to you instead of hiding from you. Keep the lines of communication open. One talk will not fix the problem - consistent understanding, open ears, calm responses and a true COMMITMENT to really hearing what they have to say is the path that these kids need most.
Thanks for asking.
What is the best way to handle a situation where 2 teens have been attracted to one another since before our relationship brought them into the same house... the jealousies of one another, the drama and games they play, their closeness and distance from one another, and how to help them and support them in their decisions with relationships and friendships as a result of their closeness and desire for a relationship, which they have been keeping at bay?
If I understand this correctly, these two children have been attracted to each other since prior to the time when you and your spouse were married. If I don’t understand the question correctly, then my entire response will not apply.
I have to say first of all, that bringing two teenagers together in the same household is a challenge when they are NOT attracted to each other, so you have your work cut out for you.
My first question to you is this: What would you have done if your parent put you in the same home with your teenage love? I want you to go all the way back to the strongest attraction you had prior to age 20. I want you to remember what it was like to be together and what it was like to have to be apart. I want you and your spouse to sit down and experience this vividly and discuss this together (without the kids).
Then I want you to discuss how you think the kids feeeeeeeeellll – how being stepsiblings now complicates these feelings of attraction and makes something that may have been a normal teenage attraction into something that now feels somehow inappropriate.
Next, I would like you to remember back to when you were a teen and someone told you that you couldn’t have something. Did you want it more? Or less? How did that make you feel?
Now, I’m leading a little here, but I want you and your spouse to really feel the attraction and the power of wanting something that you really can’t have. And I want you to remember some of the decisions that you made as a teenager that maybe weren’t quite perfect. I want you to remember very specific examples of times that you considered doing something that you would NEVER want your teenager to do.
Ok, enough with the set-up. If you weren’t convinced, you should be now. You have a challenge here. The challenge is in understanding what those kids are going through and then letting them know just how completely you understand. The reason you need to put yourself all the way back into your teenage shoes is because the only way your kids will believe that you understand them, is if YOU REALLY DO.
And right now, those two kids need you to understand. If they KNOW you both understand, it will make everything a whole lot easier for them.
If on the other hand, you do not understand, refuse to understand, or are afraid of communicating that you really do understand, they will feel as though they have no one to talk to - except each other. And right now, they need YOU.
Spend a couple of days feeling just how it would be to be them - and then sit down with them and have a nice, long, kind, loving discussion over a bowl of soup, a cup of hot tea or while laying on lawn chairs in the backyard.
Don’t get in their face. Don’t force them to talk about it. Don’t make them have eye contact with you - because this stuff is uncomfortable. Tell them you know that you made it difficult for them but that you are willing to work through this with them. Explain how you’ve taken the time to really consider what they might be going through. And promise them that no matter what happens, you will try to understand.
Build the trust so they will come to you instead of hiding from you. Keep the lines of communication open. One talk will not fix the problem - consistent understanding, open ears, calm responses and a true COMMITMENT to really hearing what they have to say is the path that these kids need most.
Thanks for asking.
posted by Julie Renee at 2:22 PM
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