Parenting Teenagers - It's Not About You

Hello Friends,
One of the most profound perspective shifts I've ever made, was directly related to parenting my teenagers (of which I have four right now).

I was in a coaching class learning about the fact that when our clients come to us and bring us their concerns, challenges and emotions, we need to keep perspective that all of what they share is about them, not us. I thought this was rather simple thinking and that it made sense to me... after all, why would their problems be about me?

So within a day of that class, I had a very crabby teenager on my hands. She had not gotten enough sleep, had been pushed a little too far at school and was home taking it out on her family (me specifically).

At a point where I began feeling very defensive and was just about to say "look young lady, enough is enough, if you're in a bad mood, you can just go hang out in your room," something hit me for the first time ever. This wasn't about me. This was about her. It was about her tiredness, her bad day, and her irritation with HER life. I could make it about me if I chose to do so, but it was really about her.

At that moment, instead of yelling at her for yelling at me, I shifted my perspective from "I don't like the way she's treating ME" to "I think she's trying to tell me that she needs something." So I asked her: "Hey honey, what do you need?" in a mild, non-defensive tone of voice (because I wasn't feeling defensive now that I knew it was really all about her). And she told me.

The anger was gone in a flash and the night turned out to be a relaxed and enjoyable one.

I keep my new perspective in my pocket now, because it's just an amazing tool for handling the ups and downs of, what can be, some rather rough years.

- Julie Fisher
Complete Well-being Coach